


Ghost

by monkeik (orphan_account)



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Depression, F/M, M/M, Sad Izaya, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 06:32:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6227677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/monkeik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For months Izaya had been having times where he wanted to just disappear.<br/>Shinra was worried.<br/>But Izaya reasoned that he didn't really care.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghost

Chapter One  
Sometimes Izaya just felt like he wanted to disappear.  
When he first started to feel this way, he was eight.  
And he was never sure how to deal with this feeling.  
When he was thirteen, he discovered he could scratch small lines into his skin, and they made him feel a little better.  
He still wanted to disappear.  
But less so, he felt more real.  
It was hard to feel like a real person when all he wanted was to disappear.  
His mother wasn't impressed when he showed her.  
So he stopped showing her, it became his little secret.  
Izaya's little secret.  
And when he became an Informant, he had everyone else's secrets, too.  
It became harder to feel real.  
He started taking razors, cutting into his thighs.  
It worked for a while.  
Izaya wanted to disappear, but he didn't want to die.  
So he stopped cutting himself, no matter how much he craved it.  
He felt pathetic.  
He was counting the days since his last fix, he was drawing butterflies on his arms as if it were anything like cutting himself.  
It was like he was floating, Izaya felt as he could look behind the walls, and it'd be a cardboard set.  
Like none of this was real, they were all on strings, dancing around for an audience they couldn't see.  
==================  
He didn't feel real.  
He wanted to disappear.  
For the last half an hour Izaya had been drawing butterflies up his arms, the idea was to name them after people who cared.  
But no one cared about Izaya.  
Shrugging on his jacket, Izaya left his apartment.  
The cold settling into his body felt distant, like it wasn't his own body.  
And maybe it wasn't, it couldn't be his if nothing was real.  
It was late, but not quite late enough for no one to be out on the streets.  
Izaya quickly found himself at Ikebukuro.  
It wasn't always his intention to end up here.  
But Shizuo was solid proof that everything was real, every time.  
Because if everyone else was predictable, if everyone else was the stars.  
Shizuo was something else, Izaya never knew what to expect.  
'I-ZAY-AH!' came the beasts roar.  
Izaya almost forgot to run.  
Nothing was real.  
It didn't matter if Shizu-chan caught him.  
Even if he died, he'd just wake up again.  
Because it wasn't real.  
It wasn't real.  
Suddenly Izaya wasn't running.  
Distantly he was aware of his blood rushing through his veins, of Shizu-chan roaring his name, yelling for him to stay out of Ikebukuro.  
None of it mattered.  
He heard Shizuo rip up a vending machine, hurdle it at him.  
It struck him, and he snapped back into his body with a rush of pain.  
Drawing in a deep breath, Izaya saw everything with crystal clarity.  
Everything was so real.  
He felt pain, but didn't have to inflict it on himself.  
Izaya leapt to his feet and started to run, Shizuo hot on his heels, just like always.  
He decided to start naming his butterflies after Shizu-chan.  
Because Shizu-chan made him feel real.


End file.
